a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
