allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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