She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
