birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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