i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
