I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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