i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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