i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
