I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
