Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
