I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
