It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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