listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
