mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
