Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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