You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
