I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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