I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
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