I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
