I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
