Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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