I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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