Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
