ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
