Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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