Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
