i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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