New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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