I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
