He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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