I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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