All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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