wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
