I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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