Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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