I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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