am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
