I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
