i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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