just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
