My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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