AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
