What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
