But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
