life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
