Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
