Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
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I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
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I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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