i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
