Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
