Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
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I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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