Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
