Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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