I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
